Handsome Jack (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
heroantagonist) wrote2021-07-22 01:06 am
heroantagonist) wrote2021-07-22 01:06 am
Entry tags:
From the desk of Handsome Jack
Hoookay, I, Handsome Jack - the totally awesome guy who started all of this - am currently working to understand the - god, how many worlds are there in this list? Twenty-five? Yowza. Twenty-five worlds! Each of them unique in their own weird and frankly sometimes disgusting way.
Let's get to work, people!
Alright, alright, lemme see if I've got this one straight. Ah, "Ruby Rose" is a Huntress from a world called "Remnant" where she hunts down creatures of darkness call the Grimm with a scythe that's also a gun - Okay! That's... pretty cool, actually. Weirdly, I don't know, isn't it kind of anime? Am I the only one picking up that vibe? Is this what anime is?
Uhhhh, let me see... Semblances, Aura... powerful abilities like turning into rose petals at will. So some kind of slow teleportation? Okay, that's not bad. I can see potential in something like that. Let's bring her in.
------
Okay. "Pyrrha Nikos" is... [He whistles low] Four-time tournament champion. Star student at Beacon academy, featured on a cereal box! Wow! Regular overachiever, huh? I know how that feels. Says here that her super power is the ability to manipulate poles... "Polebearer" maybe? I dunno. I'll have to think about it.
------
Gwenpool. Gwen... Pool. Okay. So, she exists in some kind of weird, nebulous "canon" where she's Seriously? Are one of you losers messing with me? ...God, this reads like bad ECHOnet fiction.
I don't even understand how this works out. Like, is she real or not? Because it just sounds like she came to another world - sort of like what we're doing! Oh god, I don't care. Let's just name her, uhhh... What's the name of that one writing site. The one with all the "O"s? Whatever that is, name it like that.
------
"Marcy Wu". Ohhh! This is that one kid, the one with the sword through her chest! That's pretty badass, c'mon. You can't deny that. Uhhh, ends up transported from her world to a world populated entirely by a civilization of advanced amphibians... Kind of cool. In a Bunkers and Baddasses sort of way.
Hey, quick question I wanna just run by everyone: why the hell are there so many teenage girls here? That wasn't, like, a setting on the machine, was it? Frickin... Come on! It's just... kinda weird.
Geeze. Okay, who's next?
------
I'm still wrapping my head around this Ryoko chick. God, okay. So there's colony ships, nothing special, but they have simulated civilizations set up with... different time periods? And this kid is a freaking mech pilot? I mean, yeah? That's pretty awesome, right? Turns out she's totally messed up on account of some business with nanomachines though. Some guy, er... Ida? Bring up info on the guy sometime. Maybe I'll kill him for funsies.
--Oh, hey. What's that uh... The girl, vault hunter with the pigtails, and the robot we melted down for cupholders. That one? "Mechromancer"? Ugh, that's so lame... How about "Mecha-mancer"? Yeah! Way better!
------
Okay, uhhh. "Edmond Dantes." Hell of a guy. At least, I think. Looks like he could rip your throat out with his teeth while, I don't know, waxing poetics about... ants, or something. Let's see, he's the Count of Monte Cristo, except he's also a magical servant summoned for something involving the Holy Grail. Soooo, he's basically like a contract hire except even more binding. I kinda dig it.
He's an "Avenger", apparently? Hey- hey, we don't have anyone here who throws a shield around, do we? Cuz that would be pretty awesome.
No?
Well find one then! "Avenger". Bam! Done!
------
Emma Hawkins- man, this girl’s kind of a disaster. I dunno what a bigfeet is, but it can’t possibly be worth skipping out on a date. That’s one hell of a mistake- The Myth-take, maybe? Eh, we’ll come back to that. All this kidnapping and shit, though, at least she sounds like a survivor, that’s got potential, right? If she can get the frick over this guilt complex.
Okay, uhh. She investigates a mystery in her school with her friends. Was there a talking dog? There'd better be a dog. There's no dog. Dammit, I have to read about ALL of these losers!
Uggggh, okay. She searches for Bigfeet, Mothman, something called a "Turtlehead"? Myth stuff. Mythhunter. Like that one show.
------
Hagoromo Lala. She's a alien - a frickin alien. But she LOOKS like a teenage girl! God I hate this.
Reports here say that she's the "Pretty Cure" of the Milky Way, and calls herself... "Cure Milky". I'm sorry. That- that just sounds wrong. Is that even a thing? I'm going to make that not a thing. Kids got her heart in the right place though. Defender of the galaxy and what-not. Kinda like me. Except it's gonna be every galaxy.
Uhhh, I can't think of anything but "Milky". Not that. Do NOT use that.
------
Next name on the list is... Tyzias Entykk. Oh! Now, here's a real weirdo. Let me tell you about this one.
First, she's a Troll - not- not like one of those lazy jerks who post bad opinions and memes on the ECHOnet, no. This is an alien who just so happens to be called a Troll. Yeah, they live on this little desolate world called Alternia. Kids get shipped off-world at the age of like, thirteen to become world conquerors or whatever. And, get this, they've got a hierarchy centered around their blood color! Their frickin' blood color! Think about that. That's some of the stupidest crap I've ever heard.
Anyway, this kid. She wants to make like a fair and impartial system of law- blah, blah, blah. It's boring, but that's the sort of work heroes do, I guess. She's willing to rain on the parade of some monster clowns - wha- HEY! YO, UP THERE!
HE'S IN THE VENTS! SHOOT HIM! JUST- KILL THE SON OF A BITCH!
...
...
Uggh!! Where was I? Uh, yeah. Probably a good idea to have at least one of those aliens on my side if I'm going to turn that planet to glass. Let's bring ol windpisser in.
...Hm, there's a name idea.
------
Jared Kowalski. Manwrangler.
No, really. It'll make sense.
See, this guys an intern - probably unpaid, y'know how interns are - at this place that apparently helps badasses integrate back into society because... I dunno. I guess sometimes they get mad their awesome muscles don't fit through doorways or something. Now, his friend, this "commander" guy would've been even better. But! Beggars can't be choosers. I'm no beggar, but a in is an in, right?
Oh, and apparently I'm somewhere in that world of his. Somehow... Yeah, did we decide on ever... doing something about that? No?
Ehh, I'll come back to it later. It's me! We always come back.
------
"Priss" Asagiri. Somehow not a prissy princess.
Let's see. Grew up in an orphanage... teenager with attitude, blah, blah... Came into the Knight Sabers as an adult, and now fights alongside them as a member, utilizing high-tech battle armor to kick the nuts of bad corporate heads and killer robots.
...Get it? Nuts? Classic.
And the rest is all "Oh hey, I'm bitter about the world. Let me sing about it". Hey, still, I'm all for more badass mercenaries. Now, if Athena were here, that would be fun. I might've even offered her that old job back.
Also, see if we can't find some recordings of Priss and the Replicants. I wanna see if they suck or not.
------
Oh, one more thing...
What? You don't - That's Columbo, genius. It's an old... No, I don't know why the ACTUAL Columbo is here. I feel like the more I learn about the multiverse, the worse it gets.
Well. The system hasn't steered us wrong, yet. If it wants to spit out one of the best damn detectives on TV. That's fine by me. Not like he's gonna do anything to old Handsome Jack. He'll just have to twiddle his thumbs, pet a dog, and hang with the kiddies.
Besides, maybe he'll set, y'know, a good example. One of, uh, upholding the law, and chasing down the real bad guys out there. Sure, there's not a whole lot of guns or explosions or giant vaults full of loot, but the hero life isn't always glamorous.
Right, Butt stallion?
Right.
------
Casey Brinke is the creation of a sentient street.
Yes, that is what she is. No, I am not making that shit up. I strangled the first guy who told me, and the second guy said the exact same thing. So, it has to be true.
God I hate the multiverse.
Uhh, anyway, she's a superhero. That's... cool. Sure. That's kinda what I'm trying to do here, except I'm not a sentient street. Uhhh, says here that she's cheerful, adaptive, optimistic, sounds like the whole shebang, you know?
She miiight be able to travel through time, too. That's not going to be an issue, right? I don't need someone going back to punch child-me's shit in. Already got enough of that from grandma.
------
Crea Bildrick, goes by "The Builder" apparently, so that's a class name I can't just make up off the top of my head. Sucks.
So it turns out her world fell into chaos, because some idiot joined the bad guys. So, the goddess sent her to - guess what? Do advanced security coding.
...Pfft. No. She's supposed to "rebuild the world" or something. Which isn't that bad, I've been basically trying to do the same thing. Lousy bandits blowing up Opportunity, it was going to be perfect...
Ah, screw it. Just use "The Builder".
------
Well, that's one thing for certain. Calypso Dynamite lives up to her name.
Hell of a home though. Reminds me of here - y'know, with all the corporate warfare, death and destruction. Humanity's spread all over the place in these weird little factions. More aliens, too. None of them are Eridians, though, and also they're still around.
But instead of doing just, y'know, war. They decided it was best to handle their differences with armed combat - thaaat's right. It's an entire universe that's just the Torgue Corporation, that pile of overgrown protein shakes.
I guess it's not all bad. Says here that she's vat-grown; grown from the genes up to be peak human performance, and if that wasn't enough, they decided to slap some cybernetic implants in there for good measure. Hey, but it turns out? All of that? Still illegal.
So now she's a nobody, wandering the universe, trying to do some good. Yadda, yadda. Might make for a good Wilhelm replacement if we can get to that.
------
"Rex Splode". Yup. That's a name only a teenager could come up with.
He's from a world full of superheroes and... Yeah! That's what this whole thing needs! More heroes, less teenage girls! Gimme more of this, huh!
Too bad I got the one with an ego the size of a space station- a frickin space station! Those are pretty big. Let's see... Other than that, it looks like Mr Demoman's got a real explosive personality. Those powers of his, oof, good thing whatever we've been doing canceled those out. Might've had to cut his arms off.
...Oh, side note. Get me everything you can on these "Guardians of the Globe" I'm hearing about. I wanna see if any of them are up to snuff.
...What do you mean they're dead?!
------
-So, she doesn't look like a walking brick? Not the fun kind, but the- you know, the little...
No?
But her world does?
What's with this Harumi kid?
Like, yeah, okay. Another teenage girl. Except she's a princess, and a ninja, and a biker gang leader apparently? God, she's got a whole record here.
She's got moxie, I'll give her that much. Dead parents, crappy adoptive parents? A grudge against a team of weird toy ninjas? She's got a whole thing going. A little bitterness, a little rebellion, some murder? It's good, healthy, even.
Hopefully she'll make something of herself here.
-------
Okay, okay, okay. So, this Serizawa guy. He's a war scientist; apparently all messed up and sad about the war, but fantastic at making weapons that'll blow the smug look right off of any living creature's face in a hundred mile radius.
Problem is... He's trying to be heroic in other ways. Sucker tries to blow himself and this giant vault monster away with something called an "Oxygen Destroyer". Don't know what that means, but the boys say we've got it tucked away in storage. Might spice things up a little if anyone manages to get ahold of it. Just have to make sure we've reinforced the bulkheads.
Oh! And see if we can't get some samples of that freaky giant Kraggon. I know it's dead, but that doesn't mean its DNA is.
Also The Oxegen Destroyer? Totally a cool name. We should use that.
------
You're not joking, right? This is really Red Riding Hood?
Pfft. This is not the fairytale I remember reading.
She's been trained as a fighter since childhood to hunt monsters, wears a red hood - Hey, hand on...
Hey! Are we sure we didn't just grab uh... "Ruby Rose's" twin sister? Maybe this is an alternate universe situation.
No? You're serious, there's no relation. You're killing me.
Uhhh. Blood maidens. Some kind of special mode called a "blood skelter" which... just sounds like a bad Mox-tail. In any case, she sounds like a natural-born fighter. Could be interesting if she gets into a scuffle.
------
The "Mad Dog of Shimano"? Yahtzee! Now we're talking!
Eh, sure, a literal gang member isn't exactly the kind of hero material I'm searching for, but we all come from humble beginnings, right? Wilhelm was the greatest mercenary in the universe, Nisha.... hated small animals. It takes all sorts.
Competent, all around a skilled fighter, smart too. Managed a place called, uh... Cabaret Grand. That's a thing, I think. Some kind of dancing thing.
...Now that I think about it, he might be a little too composed. Maybe this'll do something about that, yeah?
------
Libra.
Well, I've been told I'm a Pisces, so...
Nah. So! Priest of Naga. Whatever the hell that is. Churches are none of my business, frankly, they're all scams. Something tells me this guy isn't the type to go knocking on any doors to spread the good word though.
Pretty sure we've got at least one of his swords in storage. Honestly, every service needs war priests. They're just cool.
Ohhhhh, but there's so much crap to sort through. What's with this world? How much history and war does one place need? This Ylisse place sounds kinda quaint, so long as you forget about the whole war thing. Barely an army though, that's weird, right?
Let me tell you, if you only have a few people to defend everything? You're looking to get your ass handed to you by a bunch of Lost Legion losers. I'm probably gonna do them a service by rolling in with a few dozen crates of Loader Bots once this is over.
------
Hey, so I had to run it by our little friend, and, uh... She's not the only one yanking people out of time and space.
There's a freaky train - a TRAIN. And it's pulling people inside it throughout time, all to... I don't know, actually. It's not trying to kill them, but that's obviously still a feature. There's even these weird, dog-sized cockroaches that leapt out of the last portal we opened and sucked out my security officer's soul. We've got them contained down in R&D, trying to figure out what the hell they are, and if we can do anything with them.
...Where was it? Oh. Simon Laurent. The skinny kid with the lame pants. Apparently, he's part of a cult on the train that worships the conductor, or someone who likes to masquerade as them. I'll give him this much, he's managed to survive that hellhole for a while. Not too shabby.
Oh, but Rise of the True King? Whoof. Foreword wasn't too bad, though.
Let the delinquent in. Maybe he'll kill someone for the helluvit.
------
Hey, what's that one game? The one with the dragons and dungeons?
...Bunkers and Badasses? Yeah, that tracks. Yeah, we got an orc in this thing.
Oh, I'm being corrected that he is a half-orc. Allow me to rectify my mistake by strangling the guy who thought he could but in to correct me.
...
...
Okay, mister Fjord Stone. Hope he's not too freaked out by being in space. He's like, a weird sailor guy, who can pull a sword out of his chest. Which just sounds impractical when you think about it.
He's strong though. Maybe he'll stab someone or just... accidentally punch them, or something. I don't know.
...Oh, also. The "Sea-man". Heh-ha! That'll be hilarious.
------
Marissa Newland has already been to a parallel world. So, THAT'S interesting.
Honestly, it's starting to feel like this whole thing isn't quite as special as I thought. Just as well. It landed in my lap; better me than any of the crazies down on Pandora.
"Sundancer" as she likes to call herself is a villain. Member of some group called the Travelers that fights... I'm assuming, heroes. And monsters. And whatever these people like to fight. It's a trend, I think.
Here's the kicker: she doesn't like being a villain, or at least doesn't like killing. Well, we'll just see how well that works out for her, shall we? Someone who can make suns with her hands is gonna be able to do some considerable damage... If her powers come back, that is.
Have we fixed that? No, we haven't. Perfect.
We'll leave out plenty of knives for them.
-------
Oh, fantastic! ANOTHER teenage girl!
Parker Rochford - God, okay. Uhh, senior cheerleading captain. Lancaster High. Hey, why couldn't we snag this Henry guy? He seems fun. Also, might have murdered his girlfriends. We're still investigating.
Whatever. It's fine, we'll work with what we've got. This Parker is... hardworking, it seems. She suspected her friends were murdered - probably right, by the way, and decides to try and take matters into her own hands.
She's got pageants and crap under her belt. Nothing really helpful in the world of vault hunting, but y'know. Style counts. And she's shown initiative already. I'd say we'll at least give her a shot.
------
Murderbot. Aptly named.
The lab boys are saying it's got bits of organic crap in it, so it's technically a cyborg, but I told them to shut up.
Looks like another case of humans colonizing space and running into more than their fair share of problems. More companies move in, take over, etc, all that good stuff. They use these SecUnits to perform certain tasks. It's basically slave labor, but slightly more expensive.
For a bot that's meant to kill things though... it's pretty docile. Still, we'd better be prepared. Who knows what will happen. It might try to interface with a electrical socket, for all we know. Maybe I'll work up some new Fragtrap programming. Just in case.
It doesn't want to kill? I can change that. I can change anything.
Let's get to work, people!
Alright, alright, lemme see if I've got this one straight. Ah, "Ruby Rose" is a Huntress from a world called "Remnant" where she hunts down creatures of darkness call the Grimm with a scythe that's also a gun - Okay! That's... pretty cool, actually. Weirdly, I don't know, isn't it kind of anime? Am I the only one picking up that vibe? Is this what anime is?
Uhhhh, let me see... Semblances, Aura... powerful abilities like turning into rose petals at will. So some kind of slow teleportation? Okay, that's not bad. I can see potential in something like that. Let's bring her in.
------
Okay. "Pyrrha Nikos" is... [He whistles low] Four-time tournament champion. Star student at Beacon academy, featured on a cereal box! Wow! Regular overachiever, huh? I know how that feels. Says here that her super power is the ability to manipulate poles... "Polebearer" maybe? I dunno. I'll have to think about it.
------
Gwenpool. Gwen... Pool. Okay. So, she exists in some kind of weird, nebulous "canon" where she's Seriously? Are one of you losers messing with me? ...God, this reads like bad ECHOnet fiction.
I don't even understand how this works out. Like, is she real or not? Because it just sounds like she came to another world - sort of like what we're doing! Oh god, I don't care. Let's just name her, uhhh... What's the name of that one writing site. The one with all the "O"s? Whatever that is, name it like that.
------
"Marcy Wu". Ohhh! This is that one kid, the one with the sword through her chest! That's pretty badass, c'mon. You can't deny that. Uhhh, ends up transported from her world to a world populated entirely by a civilization of advanced amphibians... Kind of cool. In a Bunkers and Baddasses sort of way.
Hey, quick question I wanna just run by everyone: why the hell are there so many teenage girls here? That wasn't, like, a setting on the machine, was it? Frickin... Come on! It's just... kinda weird.
Geeze. Okay, who's next?
------
I'm still wrapping my head around this Ryoko chick. God, okay. So there's colony ships, nothing special, but they have simulated civilizations set up with... different time periods? And this kid is a freaking mech pilot? I mean, yeah? That's pretty awesome, right? Turns out she's totally messed up on account of some business with nanomachines though. Some guy, er... Ida? Bring up info on the guy sometime. Maybe I'll kill him for funsies.
--Oh, hey. What's that uh... The girl, vault hunter with the pigtails, and the robot we melted down for cupholders. That one? "Mechromancer"? Ugh, that's so lame... How about "Mecha-mancer"? Yeah! Way better!
------
Okay, uhhh. "Edmond Dantes." Hell of a guy. At least, I think. Looks like he could rip your throat out with his teeth while, I don't know, waxing poetics about... ants, or something. Let's see, he's the Count of Monte Cristo, except he's also a magical servant summoned for something involving the Holy Grail. Soooo, he's basically like a contract hire except even more binding. I kinda dig it.
He's an "Avenger", apparently? Hey- hey, we don't have anyone here who throws a shield around, do we? Cuz that would be pretty awesome.
No?
Well find one then! "Avenger". Bam! Done!
------
Emma Hawkins- man, this girl’s kind of a disaster. I dunno what a bigfeet is, but it can’t possibly be worth skipping out on a date. That’s one hell of a mistake- The Myth-take, maybe? Eh, we’ll come back to that. All this kidnapping and shit, though, at least she sounds like a survivor, that’s got potential, right? If she can get the frick over this guilt complex.
Okay, uhh. She investigates a mystery in her school with her friends. Was there a talking dog? There'd better be a dog. There's no dog. Dammit, I have to read about ALL of these losers!
Uggggh, okay. She searches for Bigfeet, Mothman, something called a "Turtlehead"? Myth stuff. Mythhunter. Like that one show.
------
Hagoromo Lala. She's a alien - a frickin alien. But she LOOKS like a teenage girl! God I hate this.
Reports here say that she's the "Pretty Cure" of the Milky Way, and calls herself... "Cure Milky". I'm sorry. That- that just sounds wrong. Is that even a thing? I'm going to make that not a thing. Kids got her heart in the right place though. Defender of the galaxy and what-not. Kinda like me. Except it's gonna be every galaxy.
Uhhh, I can't think of anything but "Milky". Not that. Do NOT use that.
------
Next name on the list is... Tyzias Entykk. Oh! Now, here's a real weirdo. Let me tell you about this one.
First, she's a Troll - not- not like one of those lazy jerks who post bad opinions and memes on the ECHOnet, no. This is an alien who just so happens to be called a Troll. Yeah, they live on this little desolate world called Alternia. Kids get shipped off-world at the age of like, thirteen to become world conquerors or whatever. And, get this, they've got a hierarchy centered around their blood color! Their frickin' blood color! Think about that. That's some of the stupidest crap I've ever heard.
Anyway, this kid. She wants to make like a fair and impartial system of law- blah, blah, blah. It's boring, but that's the sort of work heroes do, I guess. She's willing to rain on the parade of some monster clowns - wha- HEY! YO, UP THERE!
HE'S IN THE VENTS! SHOOT HIM! JUST- KILL THE SON OF A BITCH!
...
...
Uggh!! Where was I? Uh, yeah. Probably a good idea to have at least one of those aliens on my side if I'm going to turn that planet to glass. Let's bring ol windpisser in.
...Hm, there's a name idea.
------
Jared Kowalski. Manwrangler.
No, really. It'll make sense.
See, this guys an intern - probably unpaid, y'know how interns are - at this place that apparently helps badasses integrate back into society because... I dunno. I guess sometimes they get mad their awesome muscles don't fit through doorways or something. Now, his friend, this "commander" guy would've been even better. But! Beggars can't be choosers. I'm no beggar, but a in is an in, right?
Oh, and apparently I'm somewhere in that world of his. Somehow... Yeah, did we decide on ever... doing something about that? No?
Ehh, I'll come back to it later. It's me! We always come back.
------
"Priss" Asagiri. Somehow not a prissy princess.
Let's see. Grew up in an orphanage... teenager with attitude, blah, blah... Came into the Knight Sabers as an adult, and now fights alongside them as a member, utilizing high-tech battle armor to kick the nuts of bad corporate heads and killer robots.
...Get it? Nuts? Classic.
And the rest is all "Oh hey, I'm bitter about the world. Let me sing about it". Hey, still, I'm all for more badass mercenaries. Now, if Athena were here, that would be fun. I might've even offered her that old job back.
Also, see if we can't find some recordings of Priss and the Replicants. I wanna see if they suck or not.
------
Oh, one more thing...
What? You don't - That's Columbo, genius. It's an old... No, I don't know why the ACTUAL Columbo is here. I feel like the more I learn about the multiverse, the worse it gets.
Well. The system hasn't steered us wrong, yet. If it wants to spit out one of the best damn detectives on TV. That's fine by me. Not like he's gonna do anything to old Handsome Jack. He'll just have to twiddle his thumbs, pet a dog, and hang with the kiddies.
Besides, maybe he'll set, y'know, a good example. One of, uh, upholding the law, and chasing down the real bad guys out there. Sure, there's not a whole lot of guns or explosions or giant vaults full of loot, but the hero life isn't always glamorous.
Right, Butt stallion?
Right.
------
Casey Brinke is the creation of a sentient street.
Yes, that is what she is. No, I am not making that shit up. I strangled the first guy who told me, and the second guy said the exact same thing. So, it has to be true.
God I hate the multiverse.
Uhh, anyway, she's a superhero. That's... cool. Sure. That's kinda what I'm trying to do here, except I'm not a sentient street. Uhhh, says here that she's cheerful, adaptive, optimistic, sounds like the whole shebang, you know?
She miiight be able to travel through time, too. That's not going to be an issue, right? I don't need someone going back to punch child-me's shit in. Already got enough of that from grandma.
------
Crea Bildrick, goes by "The Builder" apparently, so that's a class name I can't just make up off the top of my head. Sucks.
So it turns out her world fell into chaos, because some idiot joined the bad guys. So, the goddess sent her to - guess what? Do advanced security coding.
...Pfft. No. She's supposed to "rebuild the world" or something. Which isn't that bad, I've been basically trying to do the same thing. Lousy bandits blowing up Opportunity, it was going to be perfect...
Ah, screw it. Just use "The Builder".
------
Well, that's one thing for certain. Calypso Dynamite lives up to her name.
Hell of a home though. Reminds me of here - y'know, with all the corporate warfare, death and destruction. Humanity's spread all over the place in these weird little factions. More aliens, too. None of them are Eridians, though, and also they're still around.
But instead of doing just, y'know, war. They decided it was best to handle their differences with armed combat - thaaat's right. It's an entire universe that's just the Torgue Corporation, that pile of overgrown protein shakes.
I guess it's not all bad. Says here that she's vat-grown; grown from the genes up to be peak human performance, and if that wasn't enough, they decided to slap some cybernetic implants in there for good measure. Hey, but it turns out? All of that? Still illegal.
So now she's a nobody, wandering the universe, trying to do some good. Yadda, yadda. Might make for a good Wilhelm replacement if we can get to that.
------
"Rex Splode". Yup. That's a name only a teenager could come up with.
He's from a world full of superheroes and... Yeah! That's what this whole thing needs! More heroes, less teenage girls! Gimme more of this, huh!
Too bad I got the one with an ego the size of a space station- a frickin space station! Those are pretty big. Let's see... Other than that, it looks like Mr Demoman's got a real explosive personality. Those powers of his, oof, good thing whatever we've been doing canceled those out. Might've had to cut his arms off.
...Oh, side note. Get me everything you can on these "Guardians of the Globe" I'm hearing about. I wanna see if any of them are up to snuff.
...What do you mean they're dead?!
------
-So, she doesn't look like a walking brick? Not the fun kind, but the- you know, the little...
No?
But her world does?
What's with this Harumi kid?
Like, yeah, okay. Another teenage girl. Except she's a princess, and a ninja, and a biker gang leader apparently? God, she's got a whole record here.
She's got moxie, I'll give her that much. Dead parents, crappy adoptive parents? A grudge against a team of weird toy ninjas? She's got a whole thing going. A little bitterness, a little rebellion, some murder? It's good, healthy, even.
Hopefully she'll make something of herself here.
-------
Okay, okay, okay. So, this Serizawa guy. He's a war scientist; apparently all messed up and sad about the war, but fantastic at making weapons that'll blow the smug look right off of any living creature's face in a hundred mile radius.
Problem is... He's trying to be heroic in other ways. Sucker tries to blow himself and this giant vault monster away with something called an "Oxygen Destroyer". Don't know what that means, but the boys say we've got it tucked away in storage. Might spice things up a little if anyone manages to get ahold of it. Just have to make sure we've reinforced the bulkheads.
Oh! And see if we can't get some samples of that freaky giant Kraggon. I know it's dead, but that doesn't mean its DNA is.
Also The Oxegen Destroyer? Totally a cool name. We should use that.
------
You're not joking, right? This is really Red Riding Hood?
Pfft. This is not the fairytale I remember reading.
She's been trained as a fighter since childhood to hunt monsters, wears a red hood - Hey, hand on...
Hey! Are we sure we didn't just grab uh... "Ruby Rose's" twin sister? Maybe this is an alternate universe situation.
No? You're serious, there's no relation. You're killing me.
Uhhh. Blood maidens. Some kind of special mode called a "blood skelter" which... just sounds like a bad Mox-tail. In any case, she sounds like a natural-born fighter. Could be interesting if she gets into a scuffle.
------
The "Mad Dog of Shimano"? Yahtzee! Now we're talking!
Eh, sure, a literal gang member isn't exactly the kind of hero material I'm searching for, but we all come from humble beginnings, right? Wilhelm was the greatest mercenary in the universe, Nisha.... hated small animals. It takes all sorts.
Competent, all around a skilled fighter, smart too. Managed a place called, uh... Cabaret Grand. That's a thing, I think. Some kind of dancing thing.
...Now that I think about it, he might be a little too composed. Maybe this'll do something about that, yeah?
------
Libra.
Well, I've been told I'm a Pisces, so...
Nah. So! Priest of Naga. Whatever the hell that is. Churches are none of my business, frankly, they're all scams. Something tells me this guy isn't the type to go knocking on any doors to spread the good word though.
Pretty sure we've got at least one of his swords in storage. Honestly, every service needs war priests. They're just cool.
Ohhhhh, but there's so much crap to sort through. What's with this world? How much history and war does one place need? This Ylisse place sounds kinda quaint, so long as you forget about the whole war thing. Barely an army though, that's weird, right?
Let me tell you, if you only have a few people to defend everything? You're looking to get your ass handed to you by a bunch of Lost Legion losers. I'm probably gonna do them a service by rolling in with a few dozen crates of Loader Bots once this is over.
------
Hey, so I had to run it by our little friend, and, uh... She's not the only one yanking people out of time and space.
There's a freaky train - a TRAIN. And it's pulling people inside it throughout time, all to... I don't know, actually. It's not trying to kill them, but that's obviously still a feature. There's even these weird, dog-sized cockroaches that leapt out of the last portal we opened and sucked out my security officer's soul. We've got them contained down in R&D, trying to figure out what the hell they are, and if we can do anything with them.
...Where was it? Oh. Simon Laurent. The skinny kid with the lame pants. Apparently, he's part of a cult on the train that worships the conductor, or someone who likes to masquerade as them. I'll give him this much, he's managed to survive that hellhole for a while. Not too shabby.
Oh, but Rise of the True King? Whoof. Foreword wasn't too bad, though.
Let the delinquent in. Maybe he'll kill someone for the helluvit.
------
Hey, what's that one game? The one with the dragons and dungeons?
...Bunkers and Badasses? Yeah, that tracks. Yeah, we got an orc in this thing.
Oh, I'm being corrected that he is a half-orc. Allow me to rectify my mistake by strangling the guy who thought he could but in to correct me.
...
...
Okay, mister Fjord Stone. Hope he's not too freaked out by being in space. He's like, a weird sailor guy, who can pull a sword out of his chest. Which just sounds impractical when you think about it.
He's strong though. Maybe he'll stab someone or just... accidentally punch them, or something. I don't know.
...Oh, also. The "Sea-man". Heh-ha! That'll be hilarious.
------
Marissa Newland has already been to a parallel world. So, THAT'S interesting.
Honestly, it's starting to feel like this whole thing isn't quite as special as I thought. Just as well. It landed in my lap; better me than any of the crazies down on Pandora.
"Sundancer" as she likes to call herself is a villain. Member of some group called the Travelers that fights... I'm assuming, heroes. And monsters. And whatever these people like to fight. It's a trend, I think.
Here's the kicker: she doesn't like being a villain, or at least doesn't like killing. Well, we'll just see how well that works out for her, shall we? Someone who can make suns with her hands is gonna be able to do some considerable damage... If her powers come back, that is.
Have we fixed that? No, we haven't. Perfect.
We'll leave out plenty of knives for them.
-------
Oh, fantastic! ANOTHER teenage girl!
Parker Rochford - God, okay. Uhh, senior cheerleading captain. Lancaster High. Hey, why couldn't we snag this Henry guy? He seems fun. Also, might have murdered his girlfriends. We're still investigating.
Whatever. It's fine, we'll work with what we've got. This Parker is... hardworking, it seems. She suspected her friends were murdered - probably right, by the way, and decides to try and take matters into her own hands.
She's got pageants and crap under her belt. Nothing really helpful in the world of vault hunting, but y'know. Style counts. And she's shown initiative already. I'd say we'll at least give her a shot.
------
Murderbot. Aptly named.
The lab boys are saying it's got bits of organic crap in it, so it's technically a cyborg, but I told them to shut up.
Looks like another case of humans colonizing space and running into more than their fair share of problems. More companies move in, take over, etc, all that good stuff. They use these SecUnits to perform certain tasks. It's basically slave labor, but slightly more expensive.
For a bot that's meant to kill things though... it's pretty docile. Still, we'd better be prepared. Who knows what will happen. It might try to interface with a electrical socket, for all we know. Maybe I'll work up some new Fragtrap programming. Just in case.
It doesn't want to kill? I can change that. I can change anything.